I Roll Coins and So Can You!!
I’ll get to the instructions on how to roll coins in a minute.
A friend of mine (and/or this guy) forwarded me a personal finance article about “How to Write a Check”. For us Canadians, that’s “How to Write a Cheque”. It’s exactly the kind of painful Trent Hamm-esque article you’d expect based on the title.
If this kind of pedantic, nauseatingly-detailed minutiae is what passes for quality content nowadays and merits nearly 50 comments, then it’s clear I’ve been ‘doing it wrong’ as a blogger. I should:
- patronize you all with similarly awful material;
- join the Yakezie challenge; and
- adopt the vapid, self-promotional comment style exhibited by the commenters on the above-mentioned post.
To embark on my journey toward achieving the excellence embodied by goal #1, I’d like to help the dumbest among you achieve a new level of mediocrity. In my experience (I’ve worked at two separate financial institutions), everybody knows how to write a cheque. Real cheque problems involve people trying to deposit post-dated cheques or trying to deposit cheques with another person’s name into their personal account (e.g. a spouse; we’re not talking fraud or anything). What people really need to learn is how to roll coins. And that brings us to:
How to Roll Coins: A Guide for Literal Idiots
First, you need to decide whether you actually want to go to the effort of rolling your coins yourself, or if you want to use a machine that does it for you. I’ve heard some banks in Canada now have free coin rolling machines, but I am no longer researching my articles (this will help me ensure my posts are devoid of insight). This guide only covers “rolling your coins yourself“. If you want to use a machine, please return to Google.
DO NOT SWALLOW COINS OR COIN ROLLS.
DO NOT GIVE COINS TO INFANTS.
DO NOT REFER TO COINS AS “CANDY”.
Identify the denomination or denominations of coins that you want to roll.
Determine whether you will use plastic or paper rollers. Plastic rollers are awful. They are a nightmare and do not work. But since I’m writing a useless article, I don’t want to provide an “opinion” based on my “experience”. No, every viewpoint is equally valid in my subjective, spineless, post-modern blogger reality.
Do you already have rollers? If not, you’ll need to obtain coin rolls in order to roll coins. Where? Boy, I could write a whole other article.
Separate the coins by their respective denominations. For reference:
- Pennies go into the pile for pennies.
- Nickels go into the pile for nickels.
- Dimes go into the pile for dimes.
- Quarters go into the pile for quarters.
Next, you need to count the coins. If you read the “How to Write a Check” article and thought it was informative, you probably shouldn’t attempt counting by twos. Just patiently select each coin, count it, and put it into the roll. Here’s a heavily pixelated diagram to show you how to place each type of coin into each type of roll:
How many coins go into each roll?
- Pennies – 50 pennies
- Nickels – 40 nickels
- Dimes – 50 dimes
- Quarters – 40 quarters
Don’t forget to empty each roll and recount the coins several times, especially the pennies, to ensure accuracy and to temporarily satiate your crippling Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
There you have it. You know nothing more than you did when you started reading this article, but I successfully patronized you for a few minutes. And when some complete idiot happens to Google “how to roll coins” and ends up at this SEO-optimized pile-of-garbage, I will use that person’s stupidity to justify my publication of articles that could only be useful to people enrolled in a Special Education program.
Check back tomorrow for a guide on how to interact with a cashier. We’ll delve deeper into the same topic the next day when we discuss how to pay for a purchase with a credit card!